Tough Talks: Getting Organized
Getting Organized by Fern Pessin
Having served as a caregiver for eight years—supporting my father with Alzheimer’s Disease and my mother, who developed pseudo-dementia from the stress of caring for her life partner of sixty years—I’ve learned a lot about the power of communication. Now, I’m on a mission to help others navigate the often complex and stressful world of caregiving.
Have you ever been in the middle of something when you received a call from a loved one asking if you remembered their computer or phone password? I have. I set up a notebook for her passwords to help my mother, who can’t manage an app-based password organizer. Despite this, she often forgets about the notebook or can’t find it, turning the situation into a running joke. It’s a reminder of what aging entails and is training me to demonstrate patience, much like Mom was with me when I was learning to walk or navigating my teenage years.
I’ve found that being organized significantly reduces caregiver stress. It enables efficient delegation and equips me with the information to handle urgent situations effectively (like mom’s passwords.) This gives me less panic time and more “me” time.
Getting Organized
In an ideal world, you would be able to read the mind of your loved one (caree) and get answers to any questions that arise. In the real world, collecting the information you need can be tricky. “I don’t want my kids to know I’ve spent most of the money they think I have socked away! I’m afraid they will be angry or start ignoring me.” This confession helped me understand that people don’t always want to share information about their finances, health, real estate status, or investments.
Some people can’t remember information that used to be in their heads. This makes it imperative that somewhere safe and secure is a copy of everything you would need to help your caree through a health or wellness crisis. “What should I be looking for?” you might be asking. This article will list the most urgent and commonly needed items to make things run and solve most issues.
Advance Preparation
Investing some initial effort during weekends or evenings to get organized and gather resources and essential data without the pressure of a deadline can significantly benefit your peace of mind.
Begin the conversation with your caree and family by stating your intention to support and be of assistance and wanting to make their life easier. You can offer to help with managing the home or running errands, or you can take over mundane tasks that require computer skills, perhaps. Then, explain that you will need some information in order to help.
If you are the carer for someone who doesn’t want to share, for whatever reason, you can review these lists with them over time (a little at a time) and ask them to secure this information somewhere that will be private and safe and only accessible to you if/when you need it. They can put it in a folder and lock it in a safe or safety deposit box. They can give it to a trusted associate, friend, or professional (a lawyer, financial advisor, etc.). Or they can put it all in a notebook or file cabinet with a key left with a trusted person. They can also put it into a digital format with a password that will be released to you as the situation arises. Shameless plug alert!!!.....the Forty W Advisors portal is a tool available to their clients and their client's families to help organize and monitor financial account information and store important estate, legal and tax documents.
Whichever way your caree chooses to secure this information, please make sure they know to update information regularly as passwords, log-in access, and policy numbers change.
What to Collect
Legal & Health Paperwork
- Last Will & Testament
- Durable Power of Attorney
- Living Will
- Advanced Healthcare Directive
- Health Care Proxy
- Beneficiaries
- Funeral Plans and Wishes
Official Documents
- Passport
- Birth Certificate
- Marriage Certificate
- Divorce Certificate
- Death Certificates
- Pre-Nuptial Agreement
- Citizenship Papers
- Name Changes
- Driver's License
- Health Insurance
- Life Insurance
- Adoption Papers
- Child Support Agreements
- Charitable Trust Agreements
- Charitable Foundation Papers
- Military Discharge Papers
Important Facts, Figures, Items
- Login Information For All Accounts
- Telephone Message Retrieval Passwords
- Computer Access (Logins and passwords)
- Social Media Accounts (Username, login, passwords)
- Safety Deposit Box: Location, Account Information, Box Number, And Keys
Contact At Bank, And Size Of Box - Keys To House And All Doors (For home and all other properties)
- Combination or Keys To Safes In Home and/or Office Or Other Location
- Keys To Padlocks
The Next Step
Getting organized involves two key steps. First, gather all the necessary information as discussed above. Then, assemble a support team you can rely on as needed. These steps will help you manage your responsibilities, thus balancing your life and caregiving duties without becoming overwhelmed. For more on building a support team read: Tough Talks: Building a Care Team
Additional Resources:
Try downloading a question-and-answer booklet that will guide you through the info and data to collect and questions to ask at the non-profit, www.fivewishes.org.
I’ll Be Right There: A Guidebook for Adults Caring for their Aging Parents includes worksheets, checklists, and guidance for various situations. This book is available through FortyW Advisors or on Amazon in Kindle or print versions at https://bit.ly/PessinBooks.
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